Naturally Tan Page 12

  The next day, I went into work with a completely different mentality, and the game changed. I played my role, but I was empowered to play it the way I wanted it. Completely honestly. I was much happier for it, and I think it makes for both an authentic show and an authentic Tan.

  So many times, I think we do things because we don’t want to cause an issue. I wish I had spoken up earlier, instead of going along with something because I thought it was what was expected of me. All I can say is speak up; ask questions. Explain your concerns. It’s the first step in feeling empowered to push forward with your own agenda. There is no reason to stifle yourself! Because as a wise man once told me: the best moments are the ones where you’re you.

  WEDDING RING

  I’ve told you about how important my wedding ring is to me, but I’d also like to share the story behind it.

  When Rob and I decided to get married, it wasn’t really a conversation. There was no proposal. There was no need for a proposal. We mentioned wanting to get married only a month and a half into knowing each other, when Rob first visited me in England. At that time, of course, it would have been insane. So we left it alone until a year or so later, when it came up again. “I could marry you today,” he said. “I could marry you,” I said. And this time, we said, “Well, then, let’s do it!” and went down to the marriage registry office.

  When you get married in the UK, you have to register at least two weeks prior. In order to do this, you get all your documents together and you meet with a clerk who tries to ascertain whether it’s a legitimate marriage or not. On the day we registered, Rob and I sat in an office with a sweet, bubbly lady. She walked us through basic questions, and then it came time give our parents’ occupations. I said my mom had been a housewife. Then it was Rob’s turn. He had to give an honest answer, and he said, “Cowboy and cowgirl.” The woman enjoyed this so much! She said, “I’ve never gotten to write that before! Do you mind if I tell people?” It reminded me how nuts it was that this Pakistani boy from England was marrying a legitimate cowboy.

  When Rob and I got married, I was living in England during the early days of Kingdom & State, and the business was struggling. We were making ends meet, but we weren’t making a real profit. We were broke as a joke, but luckily men’s wedding bands aren’t as costly as women’s diamond rings, and I knew exactly what I was looking for. I wanted my ring to be Indian gold, which is yellower and purer and softer than Western gold. I asked Rob if he minded, and he said he liked it, so we went ahead and chose our bands.

  Rob was back visiting America at the time, but I told him to measure his wedding ring finger so I could have the rings made in time for the wedding. He did and shared the information. He said he was a size nine. I said, “That cannot be right.”

  He told me it was.

  I said, “I’ve been with you for two years, and I know with absolute certainty that is not your size. Go back and check it.”

  “Tan, that is one hundred percent right,” he said.

  Against my better judgment, I told him I would try my best to accept it as true. But I knew it had to be wrong, because it sounded like it was meant for the thumb ring of a fucking giant. However, I was trying to not be the bitch from hell and not scare him off marrying me, so I agreed to the ring size he was suggesting. Also, you might remember that I love an “I told you so” moment, and I could feel one coming that was so strong that I definitely didn’t want to miss it.

  The salesperson rang me up, and Rob’s ring was triple the price of mine. I’m standing there thinking, I’m broke as a joke and this guy is going to take me for every penny I’ve got. But Rob was absolutely adamant that it was the right size. So, if I’m marrying the man, it starts with trust … even when he’s clearly wrong.

  A few days later, our rings arrived. We decided not to try them on before we said our vows.

  I distinctly remember waking up on the morning of our wedding, turning to Rob, and talking about getting married for the very first time. We were so matter-of-fact about it—we had booked the date, we decided we wanted just the two of us and a couple of witnesses—but we hadn’t really discussed marriage. That morning, I turned to him and said, “Have we really thought about this? This is a lifetime commitment. Have we truly thought it through?”

  “I feel the exact same way,” he said. “We probably should have talked about this.”

  I knew I wanted to spend my life with him. We talked about everything—about life, about timing, about whether we wanted to have kids. But we didn’t talk about the complexities of marriage and how, if we ever wanted to get out of it, there would be a lot of legalities involved. In the end, though, I think it was just a regular case of cold feet.

  Though we were really struggling financially, we purchased suits for the wedding. But when the day rolled around, Rob’s suit wasn’t fitting him very nicely and he wasn’t feeling good about it. So I gave him my suit to wear, which fit him beautifully. I wore his suit, which I didn’t really like and which didn’t fit me right, either. He could see that it wasn’t working, but I didn’t care; I just wanted him to feel good. He was always the one who beat himself up about his appearance more than I did, and I thought, It’s our wedding day. I want him to feel great. And he looked fantastic.

  We didn’t get many pictures taken that day. I didn’t want them, as I knew no matter what, I would remember it forever. But there is one photo of us that was taken by a friend, and every time I see it, I’m like, You moron, you should have just worn your own suit. At the time, it felt very romantic, but the photo lives on.

  Once we were in our wedding suits, we traveled on the tube along with our friends who served as witnesses, Naznin and Nasrin (sisters), and Nasrin’s fiancé, John. As we walked into Islington Town Hall, we were both weirdly nervous but excited. We walked up and gave our information and then sat for twenty minutes, waiting for our names to be called. I paced a bit.

  Finally, we heard our names and went to the room for the ceremony. It wasn’t at all what I expected. It was tiny and very gaudy, with a floral carpet and chintzy wallpaper. I’m sure it cost a lot, but it looked like Grandma decorated it. It had enough chairs lined up for fifty people, but we only had our three witnesses.

  Rob and I went to the front of the room and stood next to this dude, as you would at any wedding. We giggled a lot through the ceremony, partially because we were nervous and partially because we giggle a lot anyway.

  Rob sometimes had trouble understanding English accents. During the ceremony, one of the lines was, “I promise to love and respect you always,” and Rob said, “I promise to love and respect your ways.” We all laughed so much at that one, because it sounded like he was saying he planned to respect my crazy South Asian ways.

  The officiant asked if this was our version of a green card marriage, because he had never seen anyone behave this way during a ceremony. We assured him it wasn’t.

  Then I smiled and slipped the ring onto his finger. It looked like it was King Kong’s wedding ring. I was pissed, but we were getting married, so this was Rob’s lucky day. To this day, Rob counts his lucky stars that we didn’t open up the package with our rings enclosed before the wedding day.

  In our vows, we had changed the traditional line “I will love and obey you” to cut out the word obey. But as we said our vows, he forgot and added it back in.

  I stood there thinking, When I tell you a ring is too big, you will listen. Obey.

  Of course, we had to have it resized the next day.

  As it turns out, Rob is a size seven, not a size nine.

  Yep, I love an “I told you so” more than anything in this world. My instincts are usually good, and when I tell someone “I told you so,” it’s for a very good reason. If you were to ask my closest friends, “What does Tan love more than anything in this world?” they will say, “An ‘I told you so’” … quickly followed by cake.

  I’d love to be a better person, but I just like being right. And baked goods.

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nbsp; After the ceremony, we went to a high tea our friends had arranged as a gift for us, and then back to our apartment, where we ate wedding cake and watched TV. It was exactly as we wanted it to be. It wasn’t about a wedding. It wasn’t about a party. It was about us.

  There was no need for the whole hoo-ha. Don’t get me wrong—some proposals are very romantic, and some weddings are very nice. But I think if you have to have a big wedding to prove your love for each other, that rings alarm bells.

  Now we’ve been married for almost ten years, and we forget our anniversary every year. We technically have two anniversaries—one when we got married in the UK, and another when we got married in the US. The month will roll around, and we’ll be like, “Oh, shit, it’s the month we got married.” But we don’t remember the day until after the fact.

  The truth is, we’re not the kind of people who care about anniversaries. We also don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. Those types of grand gestures mean nothing to me. We’re not romantic in a commercial sense, but we are in terms of our small, everyday actions. Those everyday actions add up to far more than grand gestures ever could.

  I think it helps that we went into our marriage with similar expectations. I’m still very much South Asian, no matter how Western I may seem. As a traditionally minded person, divorce was never an option for me. And coming from a Mormon community, Rob also did not see divorce as an option. Of course, divorce does occur in both of our communities, but it’s very rare. Even though, in marrying a man, it wasn’t seen as a very “traditional” marriage, I am still a very traditional person, and I went into this thinking, This is my only option, this is my only partner. I knew that once I said, “I will marry you,” I truly meant it, for life. That no matter what happens, we will inevitably resolve things so that we can move forward.

  That’s not to say everything has always been completely perfect. We’ve had some issues with communication. Rob comes from the sweetest, most loving family who are experts at avoiding confrontation. If there were an Olympic sport for avoidance, his family would for sure win the gold. And Rob is their star player.

  When we started dating, he was able to avoid any kind of discomfort like no one I’ve ever met. Meanwhile, I am the complete opposite. If there is ever a problem, everyone knows that Tan is the one who starts the conversation about it, because I can’t stand looming drama! But I think Rob thought I was picking on him.

  Rob was raised on a ranch, and as a ranch child, you have chores. In addition to going to school, you have to tend the cows, milk the cows, herd the cows … (Yes, I never thought this was something I would have to consider at any point in my life.) So as an adult, he doesn’t love chores. He doesn’t relish being told what to do. So if I would say, “While I’m at work, you’ve got a couple of days off; could you go to the grocery store and get x, y, z?” He would get really sulky and wouldn’t say anything about it until I had to shake him and say, “What the heck is going on?”

  So early on, I encouraged him to tell me immediately whatever he was thinking.

  Mind you, I’m not saying I’m an angel. I can be very abrasive, and sometimes the way I speak isn’t polite. But something that is important to us, even eleven years on, is to use our pleases and thank yous. We’re very sweet and kind to one another, to the point where friends are sometimes shocked by it. We’ll always open the door and fight over who goes first. We are very respectful to each other, because that’s how I see a happy relationship working.

  I don’t appreciate when partners belittle each other in front of other people, or where they expect the other person to do something without a please or a thank you. The same goes for arguments—there is no need to ever have an argument in public. No matter what happens in public, even if it’s something upsetting, there is no way on God’s earth Rob would hear about it at the event or in front of our friends. To belittle your partner in front of anybody is a horrible thing to do.

  Until I met Rob, I thought, Relationships are miserable. Relationships are hard. But there are things about relationships that make them worth it. Now, I see that I was completely fucking wrong. You should expect to be happy every day. Anyone who says marriage is hard might need to see someone. My marriage is the easiest thing in my life. Other things are hard, and the thing that makes everything easier is my marriage. That’s not to say that a marriage is without challenges, but hard should not be your general state.

  It’s a sorry state of affairs when I see someone around me struggling. Like when someone says they want to escape their partner—like physically escape. When a person tells me they’re going on vacation with their girl or guy friends because they need a weekend off from their marriage or that they’re so happy to get time apart, I think, What the fuck is going on in your house?

  If ever we run into a conflict, because divorce isn’t an option for us, I always know we can find a compromise and that it will be solved. Have we settled? One hundred percent not. The love we had initially is something we always remember and find our way back to. Maybe once a year, we’ll have a big argument that blows up and lasts a few days, but we always find a way to resolve it.

  I think part of the reason our marriage works is because we managed to come up with a life plan before we actually got married. All those Skype calls, when we were long distance and that was our main form of interaction, really did help. We discussed everything beforehand, how many children we would want, where we would live, the state of our finances and how we would manage them. Of course we’re not the same people now that we were eleven years ago, but the way we live and our daily lives are the same.

  The important thing is that we were on the same page about all of it. If you’re having these conversations with someone and they’re not on the same page as you, it may be a red flag. You have to keep having conversations to see if maybe you can get there.

  Do I think I’m just lucky? No. I knew what I was looking for. I wanted somebody who wasn’t a drinker. I wanted someone who had a job and a career, but also passions and ambitions. I liked that Rob was an artist. We complemented each other. I chose wisely. I didn’t have to cajole him into being these things. We compromised on some things; we made verbal agreements. Was it hard work before marriage? Some of it was. It was having the courage to be very open and honest with each other so we could iron out the kinks. It wasn’t luck; it was work. And it was worth it.

  PSA: A WORD ON ACCESSORIES

  There’s that saying from Coco Chanel, “Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.” If you’ve regularly been told you’re overdoing it, then maybe this is good advice for you. You can’t wear statement things all the time, or people will tell you that you’re starting to look like a complete twat. Styling shouldn’t be as difficult for us all at this point. I think we should be more evolved by now. We have so much access to styling options that we shouldn’t necessarily have to take one thing off before leaving the house, as we would have already chosen a look based on inspo we found on social media, no?

  My advice is this: accessorize whenever possible. It can be as simple as adding a watch or a pair of earrings, a necklace or a statement shoe. Anyone can put on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, but that one added step of adding a piece of jewellery or bold accessory elevates it and makes your look so much more than a generic, basic look.

  Find a signature accessory that works for you. You can change it every so often. You don’t have to change up your wardrobe completely, but you can make it feel new by changing up your accessories.

  On jewellery:

  When it comes to outfits, I like to keep them quite simple. Off the show, you’ll usually find me in a black or white tee, a pair of jeans, sneakers, and a load of rings.

  I wear a lot of jewellery. Of course, I wear my wedding band every day, but I like to wear a lot of rings. I’ll often wear at least five other rings in addition to my wedding band. It’s gaudy in a way that I love and packs a punch in the bling department. Perfect.

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nbsp; I don’t love a lot of gaudy in any other aspect of wardrobe or fashion, but when it comes to jewellery, I kind of like when it’s tacky every now and then. Antoni has taken to calling me “Persian Prince” whenever I’ve got my jewellery on. I think it shows people I’ve considered my look. Don’t be afraid to accessorize.

  Personally, I like to wear gold jewellery—never silver. In fact, I’ve never, ever worn anything silver (other than a belt buckle). To me, silver feels a little hippie dippy, especially when teamed with turquoise. It definitely works on some people! I’m just not one of those people. Gold suits my brown skin beautifully, so it’s here to stay.

  On belts:

  Someone on the show once asked why I don’t wear belts. The answer is I don’t wear one unless it’s a statement belt. I’d rather someone wear a pair of pants that fit properly than to wear a belt. To me, belts are for fashion, never for function. Just wear the right size pants, for goodness’ sake.

  A belt can sometimes age a guy. If someone is wearing a boring, let’s say, “office style” belt, it’s dull and is going to make you look like a grown-up. Who wants to look like a grown-up? I also don’t love a belt with a suit, because I think it can make it look fussy. It can also verge into “daddy” real quick.

  One of my biggest pet peeves in life is an ill-fitting suit worn with a belt. It looks like you’re wearing your granddad’s suit. It’s not cool or sophisticated, and you’re definitely not planning anything sexual after this. No one wants to sleep with the ill-fitting suit guy. You’re either going to work or church, and there is no chance of fun afterward. If a woman or man sees a guy wearing that ill-fitting suit and they still want to get some naughtiness on, well, more power to them, but this dude’s probably going to close his eyes during the act and then cry afterward. Women everywhere—be warned.