Naturally Tan Page 13

  In conclusion, men: wear a suit that fits and drop the functional belt.

  On matching your shoes to your bag:

  I recently watched a dating show where some guy had picked an outfit for this young woman. She was all excited that he clearly had style because he picked a bag and shoes that matched. I sat there on the couch with my husband screaming at the TV, “Run! Run! He thinks you’re going to be his little lady!” In my opinion, it’s so dated to have your shoes and your handbag match. Just get a handbag you like and don’t worry about it matching with your shoes.

  On finding inspiration from other cultures:

  I’ve taken to wearing mehndi (henna body art) on the backs of my hands for events like the premiere of Queer Eye. I like the way it looks and also that it pays homage to my culture. You definitely don’t want to co-opt another culture, especially in this current climate, but you can take references and inspiration from other cultures. Should you wear a burka if you’re not Muslim? Absolutely not. But there is a way to take inspiration from other cultures, whether through your jewellery, or certain fabrics or colours or prints, without it becoming an ill-advised political statement.

  But I swear, if there is one thing I hate, it’s Aztec-print leggings. They’ve been around for so long now, and I need them to die. The kind of person who wears Aztec fucking leggings went to a yoga class eight years ago, and now they wear them every Sunday for brunch thinking maybe they’ll go back to the yoga class, but they never do. They’ve maybe visited India once. I’ve found my people! they think. You haven’t found your people; you’ve found my people. Take those fucking leggings off.

  On white shoes:

  As a general rule of thumb, I encourage men to wear plain white sneakers because it goes with almost everything, but I don’t love white, heeled boots for women. Every now and then, it comes back in style, but I still say it’s a bad idea. You never want to get yourself into a situation where somebody has to ask, “How much do you charge for a handy and some over-the-pants action?”

  On shoes to avoid at all costs:

  Crocs. Do not wear them.

  I called them the “given up on life” shoes on Queer Eye, and I stand by that wholeheartedly. I understand that you think they’re comfortable, but if you wear them, I will point and laugh, and I will continue to point and laugh until you take them off. If you’re single and wearing Crocs and you’re worried about being single, all you have to do is look down at your feet and wonder, Am I the reason I’m single? and know the answer is yes.

  The same goes for any kind of jelly shoes for grown-ups.

  Men, if you’re not on the beach or imminently getting into a pool, there is no excuse for wearing flip-flops. Get a pair of slides. I don’t care how many times somebody’s told you that you have feet good enough to be a foot model. You don’t. If you got a pedicure, so be it; I’m sure the person at the salon is very grateful you came in. Still, I don’t want to look at your feet in flip-flops, and no one else does, either.

  On sandals for men:

  I can make my peace with sandals, to a certain extent. Before I moved to America, I was like, “What the hell is wrong with you?” about any guy wearing sandals. Especially when traveling and representing your country outside the US. But now I do see the reasoning behind sandals, and I think they’re at least more acceptable than flip-flops. But do understand that they are only acceptable when worn casually and paired with an appropriate outfit. However, sandals do not say, “I’ve made an effort.” They say, “I’m chillin’ and maybe down for a second round of drinks.”

  SUPERMARKET

  There are some major cultural differences between the US and the UK, and I didn’t want to hide them, especially on the show. The other boys can be more emotional, more vulnerable, while I’m not a big crier. Americans are very aware and in tune with their emotions. It seems that their emotions are always closer to the surface, and they express them freely.

  In my experience, Americans can be very passive-aggressive. In England, you’re raised to be more aggressive and more direct. I think in the UK we deal with our emotions much differently at a much earlier age.

  To this day, every time I travel, the first thing I do on the first day I get back to Salt Lake is to go to the supermarket. After ten years, it hasn’t lost its appeal.

  Grocery stores in other countries are normal. They have normal produce and maybe ten kinds of cereal. In the aisle where the cereal is, there will be maybe seventy-five other things. In America, there is one cereal aisle. The cereal aisle contains only cereal. There is a problem here.

  I see these people who go on bus tours of America, and I think the first stop should be the grocery store. I used to take pictures of the produce section and send it to my family. I couldn’t get over how weird it was. Everything was so perfect. Everything was so shiny.

  Ever since the show blew up, my husband doesn’t like to go to the grocery store together. People will stop and ask to take photos, and it takes forever to get any actual shopping done. But he won’t take that away from me. I still need to wander up and down the aisles, thinking, Ahhhhh, I’ve moved to America and I’ve got all the cereal options available to me.

  When I first moved here, I didn’t understand the appeal of a car that can fit seventy-five people. The number of massive SUVs here blew my mind. As I’m saying this, I am actually looking at purchasing an SUV. I am now an American, and I want a big car, too.

  Another thing I can’t get over is the credit situation. Everyone here has a brand-new car! If your car is a few years old, people will shame you. On the whole, if you’ve got money in America, you buy stuff, but if you don’t have money in America, you also buy stuff. If you want the dream, you’ve got the dream. That is terrifying.

  As a foreigner, that feels like some fucked-up shit to me. Back home, if you’ve got a car that’s five to ten years old, that’s seen as a relatively new car, and you’ve done well.

  While we’re on the topic of finances, the only thing I really struggled with when moving to the US was tax stuff. When I first came here, I didn’t realize people in the United States file their own taxes. I find it so weird that everyone is trusted to do that. I once watched someone do it and they put in deductions here and deductions there. So basically, what your tax code is saying is that if you’re a smart person, you can kind of game the system. I think it’s strange to leave the taxes in the hands of the people. It’s very complicated! And if you make any errors, they’re on your ass like crazy. I figured, it must be a topic that’s covered in school, since it’s something everyone will have to learn! But no. You just have to figure it out.

  Plus, Americans pay more in taxes than we do in the UK, where we get free health care and mostly free education.

  Speaking of health care, I once had this conversation with my father-in-law, who I love very, very, very much. It was very early on, when Rob and I were dating, and he said, “As you know, you guys have to wait way longer to see a doctor, and it’s never as good. It makes sense that we have to pay for it. Free health care is never a good service, and it causes people problems.”

  I said, “When did you last live in England?”

  “Never.”

  “Have you ever been there?” I asked.

  “No.”

  “So where did you learn this?”

  “Fox.”

  Let me set the record straight. For anyone who believes this about the health care system in the UK, it is not the case. I’ve waited much longer to see a doctor in the US than I ever have in the UK, and the doctors in the UK are great.

  Yes, some of your hospitals are prettier. But I don’t think I care about a pretty hospital.

  There are so many problems with your system. You wind up paying for your care and your drugs. And insurance! It doesn’t make any sense. It costs a fortune, but my biggest gripe is that you have to pay a deductible. I’d never even heard the word deductible back home. If you’re paying insurance, the whole point is that you shou
ld be covered. Why are you expected to pay $2,000 on top of what you’ve been paying these people for years?

  For anyone not in America, you will be fascinated to know, before I was hired for the show, I had been looking into getting private health insurance and it would’ve cost me $1,000 a month, with a deductible on top of that. If you think that makes sense, then you’ve drunk the Kool-Aid. It’s the best con, and it’s perfectly legal.

  People will often ask, “Is it weird to drive on the other side of the road?”

  And I’ll tell them, “I’m not just driving on the other side of the road, I’m also sitting on the other side of the car!” It’s only confusing when I’m just arriving in or just coming back from the UK. It always takes a day or two to acclimate.

  What’s even weirder to me are American cars. When I first drove here, I felt like I was driving a go-kart because I wasn’t used to driving automatic. In the UK, we drive stick and have three gears, but here in the US, you only have two. It makes me wonder why we needed all these gears in the first place.

  I am also confused by brunch. “Do you want to go to brunch?” an American will ask. So you say, “What time?” and they reply, “2:00 p.m.”

  That is lunch. That is literally lunch. Breakfast and lunch have been mashed together as a word, because it happened between breakfast and lunch. But 3:00 p.m. is no longer time for breakfast. Put your pancakes away.

  When it comes to food, the way Rob and I eat is very different. When we first started dating, I remember being very surprised by it, but now it’s something I observe in almost everyone here. Americans lean really far forward and, using just their right hand, shovel their food in with a fork. I remember telling Rob it’s like watching a pig at a trough. In England, we hold our fork in our left hand and our knife with our right. You take small bites, never trying to fit a lot in your mouth, and it’s more graceful.

  I always think it’s interesting eating at an Indian restaurant—in either country—because none of the people eating there are ever Indian. When I’m eating Indian food, I always eat it the traditional way, as we would in India, which is with my hands. But it’s always amazing to see the looks of absolute shock on people’s faces. Now Rob eats Indian food with his hands, too, and we shock everyone together.

  The dating culture in the US is also something I find interesting. When it comes to dating, I think in Europe we’re more comfortable saying, “Let’s go on a date,” and we’re more aggressive in pursuing people when we’re interested in them.

  Here, it frustrates me when friends will tell me stories of people saying, “Wanna hang out?” over and over again. Is this a test drive? Are you trying to get out of an obligation? Shit or get off the pot. Let someone know you want to date them. Let someone know if you want to see them again. Let someone know if you don’t want to see them again. As I say out on the road: signal your intentions.

  Some of the colloquial differences in vocabulary have provided some funny moments. Rob has a friend whose husband owns a pawn shop. We don’t have the word pawn in the UK. So when I met her for lunch one day and she described the family business, what I heard was, “My husband owns a porn shop.”

  And I was like, “Yo, that’s insane.”

  Adding to the confusion was the fact that she’s Mormon.

  “I had no idea you guys were so chill,” I said.

  “You should come check it out!” she told me.

  I was like, “I don’t usually shop at such a place, but I’m happy to support you.”

  As our meal wore on, I had more questions. “Doesn’t it affect your relationship? How do you really feel about this store?”

  She looked confused. “You have a business,” she said. “Does that affect your relationship?”

  Around and around we went until finally she said, “I don’t understand what the big deal is. He mostly sells trinkets, old things, some guns…”

  Finally, we figured out that it was all due to a misunderstanding, and we had a good laugh. And I learned a new word.

  Another such instance happened at work. Back before I started my business, I had a job as a director at a clothing company, and I had to attend a regional sales meeting. Part of our training was to go through a workshop where all our individual screens were projected onto a large screen at the front of the classroom. The manager led us through the various parts of the training, and at the end of each section there was a little box we were supposed to check.

  When we finished the first section, the manager said, “Everybody check the box.”

  Then he said, “Tan, can you check the box?”

  “I checked the box,” I replied.

  And he said, “Tan, will you actually check the box?”

  “I checked it,” I said. Because I had.

  “Tan,” he said. “Can you please check the box?”

  By now you’ve learned that I have a short fuse. So by this point, I was like, “I. Have checked. The box. I have seen the box. I understood everything. Can we please move on?”

  The manager came over to my laptop and pressed a little button that checked the fucking box.

  I was like, “Ohhhhh. Tick a box?”

  “What?” he said.

  “Americans call it a checklist for a reason!” I said. I learned another word that day.

  Though we speak English in both the US and the UK, there are definitely differences in our language, and Rob has experienced them, too. There is one moment from a decade ago that he’s still not over.

  On this particular occasion, when we were living in the UK, Rob and I were working together in the store. I was helping another customer, and a woman went up to the cash desk where Rob was standing and said, “Do you have this in another size? I’m an extra small.”

  Rob said, “Oh, really? Let me go find that for you.”

  He meant nothing by it, but in England, saying, “Oh, really?” is essentially the same as saying, “No, you’re not, bitch.”

  The woman was not amused. She threw a hanger at him and replied, “Yes, I am. I’m a fucking size four!”

  Rob was totally confused as to what went down. I had to explain to him, “In England, if you say, ‘Oh, really,’ it’s like you’re challenging someone.”

  He has never said it again.

  Obviously, I find Rob very attractive, and thankfully, I’ve found him more and more attractive over the years. His style is wicked, and I want to grope him all the time.

  However, the thing I really like above all else is his personality. That bitch makes me laugh all day, every day. I’m a very playful person, and I don’t like to be serious, especially at home. I put music on and bop along as I brush my teeth. Anyone else would probably want to kill me, but Rob always plays along. We always keep each other giggling.

  Though I’ve talked about the differences between the US and the UK, the truth is, when it comes to language, none of that matters anymore. Because Rob and I speak almost exclusively in a language we made up ourselves. Let me explain.

  There’s this comedy sketch show, Little Britain, where one of the characters speaks in this funny, almost Kermit the Frog voice. It’s so stupid, but I started doing it once, and then Rob did it back. Now we speak this way to each other, and it warps words so much that they become new words. We’ve tried to do this in front of our closest friends, and no one ever has any idea what we’re saying. I’m never concerned about people overhearing conversations with my husband, because no one will ever understand us.

  Now, unless we are in the presence of other people, we speak this language to each other. We’ve been doing it for so long that when I hear him speak English to someone, I’ll giggle to myself because I forget how he sounds when he actually speaks English.

  I love that he’s willing to be just as stupid and playful as I am and that he makes me laugh constantly. We do worry about what will happen when we have children. Does it mean we’ll have to start speaking English again? What do normal people do? Are our children going to turn ou
t batshit crazy? How will we raise our children to be decent humans when we are so childish? Even so, it’s lovely to be in a place where cultural differences are overshadowed by the new culture we’ve created for ourselves.

  PRINTED SHIRTS

  I want to dispel a common misconception.

  Since the show first aired, there are a lot of people out there thinking, God, Tan loves a printed shirt! He wears colour and prints every day!

  Actually, I mostly live in solids. My everyday wardrobe is largely black, white, grey, and denim. But I had to step it up because I was on a TV show and the producers wanted to be able to spot us in a crowd. This meant lots of colour and, yes, printed shirts. Don’t get me wrong; I love my wardrobe on the show. I do love a print, but I wear them very sparingly when not filming. My bold outfits are for the show, not what I wear in my day-to-day life. There is a difference.

  If you’re the kind of person who does want to stand out from the crowd and to change up your style by adding a little pizzazz, then a bold colour or print is a great option for you. However, I mostly like to keep pretty low-key when strolling around town, so I usually opt for more muted looks and keep prints for the likes of TV and events.

  I also don’t know how it became a thing that “Tan France only does floral shirts.” Actually, ladies and gentlemen, go back and count. Out of twenty outfits, only four of them were floral shirts. When it came to dressing the heroes, the same thing was true. I only put them in three floral shirts. It’s amazing how much that one thing stood out and I became the floral shirt guy. I actually do love how much of a thing that became, though. Any press is good press, right?